Its been 4 months plus le and i can tell u all that i really dun wanna go JC anymore and some might know, i wanna transfer out of JC soon or maybe stop goin to JC after this june holidays.
Im really feeling very miserable right now
I thought after O's i will be happier but i guess tats not what i thought it will be.
Why mus i be on the edge everytime....
Talking to my CG leader, she told me that i should jus follow where my heart leads me too and i wanna really do game designing..
but..
why mus my mum be so demoralizing to such an extent that she jus makes me lose faith that im able to do it...
Why cant she be like the whites parents, always encouraging their children until they have such an high esteem.
For me i think i wrote it before, i scored a 250 over 1000 for my self esteem test...
i really hope i somehow jus die somewhere now cause i dun really know where i wanna be now..
I really wish i could jus read the book of my life now..
Maybe i can see where i should be and what should i do now...
then i will not be vex now..

Ended my post @ 11:34 PM

Ok today is the start of the first day of june holiday lesson :(
sad cause i wanna sleep...
Anyway haha i wanna skip right to the relationship module that i attended today at 3.10.
i actually find this cause so hilarious that i laught ill my stomach hurts.
My instructor is damn funny but she is only a relief cause our class instructor not feeling well.
Hope that instructor remains sick opps haha
Anyway her name is candice and she is really so dramatic and i totally love her teaching
i also learn alot today cause it relates to me more haha self esteem.
I remembered when i was in sec 4 i took the self esteem test and i scored 250 out of 1000 so i have low self esteem. haha funny

Some things that she said really hit the spot for me.
For example, she let us play a short game of staring into a person's eye for 1 min and telling ur partner about ur strength and weaknesses separately.
For me, its not that hard cause im with sort of my closer friends in JC so we were playing the whole time but instead of asking about strength and weaknesses, we started with hows ur day, wat subject u taking and we jus talk all the crap and sometimes we feel uncomfortable that we look other ways plus laughing like crazy. This game is sort of to test ur self esteem. Really if u ask me to stare at a person eyes and talk i will feel so uncomfortable that i will look somewhere else.

Also, she talk about us living everyday in our beliefs and this affects ur action with affect the results and thus self esteem.
For example, in my case, i belief that my friends in JC will judge me or dun wanna be my friend so i sort of created this barrier to protect myself and because of this, im not able to make many friends and thus because of this action it leads me to having less friends which further enforce my beliefs of people dun wanna be my friend and thus lowering my self esteem.
I remembered one time during maths lesson in LT 3, my SG friends invite me to sit with them and some couple of them also start inviting me to sit with them and i was thinking " Wa why suddenly wanna sit with me, surely something is not right"
After that, i decline sitting with them.
I just feel that maybe because of my lower self esteem, it led me to this kind of situation where i do not have and friends in JC or maybe less friends in JC.

Candice also said that now you know your problem that you can change because beliefs are thoughts and thought can be changed. I really hope i can open up but thje fear that i have really makes it hard for me to do so....

SHe also gave us many examples on how our lives are made by our beliefs.
One common example. When u see two girls holding hands u will say its normal but when u see two boys holding hands, you will say something is wrong.
She also quoted the example of girls going to the toilet as a bunch is normal while guys going in a gang may seem normal but if two guys then something is wrong.
SHe told us of a funny situation she encountered in a sch where one girl wanted to go to the bathroom and she ask permission. After Candice said that that girl is allowed to go, 5 other girls also stand up and followed.
"WAIT i only let you go how come 5 others follow you"
"We always go together"
"Why"
unexpected answer...
"TO give each other moral support"
*shock and funny*
"So u mean like one person doing her business and the 5 others standing round her saying come on come on you can do it come on "
haha funny
Anyway she told us many more funny stuffs which maybe i say its not that funny but shes awesome!!!!
I seriously hope my instructor dun come tmr then i can go her class de :D

Ended my post @ 10:40 PM